Balance

The last few weeks I've been really focusing on balance. This is what I need, as well as my family. While I love how whole30 makes me feel physically and emotionally I just cannot eat whole30 100%of the time. I don't think the intention of whole30 is to eat that way all the time. I'm reading Food Freedom Forever, and this is what I'm trying to do, gain my food freedom. For example one day last week I ate a burger and fries, along with frozen yogurt from my favorite place, I enjoyed the good and did not feel bad. I did have a minor breakout but that's another story. So I continued from there, I may eat completely whole30 compliant one day, have dairy the next, maybe some rice or a Caramel Macchiato. What I've noticed is if I have a meal that I don't eat the healthiest it doesn't turn into a day, week or month of unhealthy eating. During those binges I eat just to eat where in the end I have gained weight and feel terrible both physically and emotionally.  Keeping a balance really the best way for me. I don't want to log my meals, or count calories.  I don't want to go through life passing on dessert, I also don't want to eat day old doughnuts in the breakroom just because they are there. I still have not weighed myself in October, I considered it today but I realized that I committed to something, I'd only be letting myself down. Looking forward to continue to keep my balance, I know in any given day it will sway from side to side, I've taken the guilt out of eating, the worry, the anxiety, I'm just eating.

Today is day 20 no scale. I've fallen into a pretty bad habit of weighing myself every day. In my mind I was keeping control of my weight. I was more likely to avoid it if I was binging and eating terribly. During my first round of whole30 it was one of the toughest things right up there with the black coffee.  I love to see the scale go down or stay in the magic range where I like to be. Sometimes I get out of control and weigh more than once a day. This is not healthy so I needed a break. I told my buddies I was off the scale for a month. On day 20 I have no idea my exact weight and I'm not that worried. Did I go up 1lb this week or down. It doesn't really matter I ate well...most of the time worked out, and despite my busy stressful last few weeks I did not turn to the scale for any reassurance or to food for comfort.

How does food make you feel?!?

A few weeks ago I was showing a friend a download from whole 30. Whole30 guide to off roading. It's meant to help you decide if you really want the latte in front of you. I found it helpful at this point in my journey. My friend asked where it the choice to drink the damn latte without guilt. That really got me thinking about how food makes me "feel".  Does it make me feel guilty? Something at that moment clicked and I decided right then: Food cannot provide me with emotions! I cannot feel regret for enjoying a latte, or for eating non-compliant bacon. I started to focus on how it made me feel physically and when enjoying the food would it be worth the physical feelings. I feel like this is a major breakthrough and came at the same time as the new book by Melissa Hartwig: Food Freedom Forever. I have only began to break into the first chapter but I'm ready for this.  Since that time I've had some opportunity to test this out. The first was a movie night with my besties. I'd been eating compliant food for 6 days.  On movie night I went out to dinner, ate popcorn and soda and even a little frozen yogurt. At first I started to feel guilty like I'd wrecked my "streak" of good eating, in the end though I decided this is real life and this is what I want to eat right now. I am not on a "diet". I woke up feeling bloated but you know what that is? It is physical, no emotions and the next day back to my whole30 foods. Through last week I worked long shifts but brought my food I was prepared, I did have my favorite latte not because I deserved it, but because I wanted it. At the end of my long week husband made homemade crepes with bacon I love them, I wanted them, I ate them. I woke up with a red bumpy face: a physical reaction to what I had ate, and again no guilt just ate compliant foods the next day. This is real life, this is eating healthy most of the time, but not letting food make me "feel". No guilt, no binging because I ate some bad food I might as well eat it all. No starting over just continuing my mission eating healthy most of the time. 

How did I turn in to a "runner"

I'm still on the high of running my first 10K! While I'm excited to be here the journey is a bit emotional as running came as a form of therapy. Each step of my running journey was started with some sort of trauma. Some were small some were quite large. I joined a gym in 2009 for the last time,   I've been going regularly ever since. Running on the treadmill never appealed to me. In 2010 my son at the age of three broke his collarbone. We were trapped at home.  I couldn't take him to preschool or gym childcare and I longed to get a sweaty workout in.  We had a bike trailer/stroller I started with walking and eventually added some jogging. When he was healed I went back to the gym, occasionally took walks with bouts of running but nothing serious. 2012 my best buddies and I started our annual tradition of walking The Hippie Chick half or quarter. This is when I first understood why people do races. The energy, camaraderie and the cool shirts.  In 2013 my daughter broke her arm this required me to stay home with her and was very stressful I was able to leave her for short periods with my mom and take some walks on our country road. I started thinking how can I get more out of this? I eventually decided to try C25K. I was so impressed that it actually worked that I could run longer and longer each week. It really provided me an outlet from stress. It also changed my body in a way the elliptical never did.  I remember very clearly the day I ran a mile without stopping.  I had my two kids with me on their bikes we were headed on a straight stretch towards our driveway my husband was just pulling in I held up my arms.."I did it!" I was screaming. Not a marathon but a mile. In 2014 a few days after I lost my mom I hit the road on a walk there was so much peace for me being out there. I continued the therapy of running on our beautiful road.  The summer of 2015 I ran a 5k with one of best friends and biggest motivators. We ran together the whole distance it was a great accomplishment. I didn't do another running race until my 10K in September. I didn't feel like I had anyone to go with but what I finally discovered is I needed to do it for me! I went on my own to this race and did it by myself for myself. What a great feeling. Right now 10K is my longest distance I don't really know what the future holds for running and me but there is something about getting out on the road alone in my head to just think about things. Sometimes I'm smiling, sometimes crying, sometimes it's easy sometimes it's hard, but I'm just doing it!

2012 I decided to sign up for my first "race" My two best friends by my side. I walked 1/4 marathon. The energy is amazing. We've walked the "Hippie Chick" every year since. Our times have improved greatly. In 2015 we walked the half. Looking forward to 2017!

Fall of 2013 Completed C25K on my own!

July 2015 Butte to Butte 5 K. Ran the whole way. Cannot believe how that felt. Amazing! I loved doing this with one of my besties as well. 

The finish line of my first 10k Did this one by myself for myself. So proud!

Why Diary of an Ex-dieter?

At 40 years old I cannot tell you how many diets I've been on. It started early for me. I'm not exactly sure how old I was the first time I did a formal diet, but it was for sure in middle school. During those years I was taken to a childhood obesity specialist of some sort. I remember his walls full of pictures of kids and their before and afters. It was so inspiring I really planned to be on that wall. The "healthy eating plan"  I was given was a 1200 calorie diet full of unsweetened yogurt and plain air popped popcorn. That's when I started buying my own snacks from the school store. Rasinets and goobers I hid them in my room. Needless to say I never got my after picture on the wall. When I was entering high school I was nearly 200 lb.
At age 15 I started with the diet soda, followed closely by cigarettes.  This did cause some dramatic weight loss. Between 18 and 22 I lost weight a couple of time just by not eating much. Then began years of Atkins, weight watchers, and Monarch. I've tried weight loss vitamins, pills, shots, I even joined a gym a couple of times. It was always up and down obsessing about food restricting calories, worried a banana might throw me over my point allotment for the day. Weight watchers was probably the diet I did the most. For a couple of years I restarted each fall.  Next I discovered the idea of "Clean eating" through someone I met on FB.  A beach body coach who exercised regularly, drank shakeology and ate "clean".  So I tried it. This when I was able to give up diet soda and artificial sweetener and other "diet" food. I eventually traded the shakeology for home made smoothies, but kept the idea of clean eating. I found that I as much more successful losing weight when I just ate real food. A year and half ago a friend introduced me to Whole30 this was really a life changer for me. Since I stopped dieting my weight has been lower and more steady. I work very hard to eat healthy most of the time and exercise regularly.

This my new life as an ex-dieter.